No God or Gods: AFTER THE TRAUMA

IT took me one decade and six years to realize that indeed there was no God or gods. Sixteen years of Christian fundamentalism had indoctrinated me into believing that non-belief in God was a foolish thing. Worse still even questioning God's existence was a sin punishable by hellfire. So there was less room for questioning God and more room for believing him without question.

However, it is so amazing that I left the fundamentalism at the time when I was at its peak. I never knew that some day I would become a non-believer. In fact it took me only one week to cross the line. One serious circumstance in my life opened my mind to start questioning God's existence. When I posed a question to my pastor then, he thought I had been misled, and some church mates took it as disrespectful to question God and ask the pastor. My question was simple and clear;
'Isn't faith one way of misguiding people?'

I had believed God all those 16 years and loved him with all my heart. In those years I lost my most beloved grandmother who raised me up, I lost my health and fitness to a fatal motor accident, I lost my university degree scholarship, I lost a series of groundbreaking projects' funding and finally my most cherished love relationship. But in all those circumstances I clung on my one and only God carrying the cross again to Calvary.

In my relentless quest for a supernatural breakthrough despite the setbacks, superstition set it with all its wings carrying me up to the skies. I started taking every dream and nightmare so seriously and regarded myself a prophet. Thankfully the church leaders had also noticed my diligence and appointed me to be the youth pastor. I could lead the youth in music, bible study, worship, prayer, fasting, interpreting their dreams and answering their life questions so perfectly that I didn't even believe myself.

Sometime back I had left my place of ministry and went to find greener pastures elsewhere. Then the still small voice whispered into my ears that I had become a rebellious Jonah and God was against my greener pastures. So I had to go back to my roots of ministry or else God was going to continue punishing me with bad luck and even give away the person I loved most. So I obeyed the voice and went back to the place he first found me. I explained to the church leadership what had happened to me and they accepted me back into ministry. My own dreams and those of other Christians all pointed to my repentance and to humbly submit myself under the mighty hand of God.

It was later on that I realized that the still small voice I had heard was actually myself; and the dreams I had were just mere dreams and coincidences with some circumstances in real life. Also, the mighty hand of God wasn't might at all to save me from the harsh realities of  life.

So after the trauma I woke up from the long deep sleep of 16 years of day dreaming. Today I have made a full year of deprogramming and recovering from Christian fundamentalism. I will continue sharing more and more of this journey of leaving the fold on this site. Check out the previous blogs too where more true stories of the same journey are aesthetically narrated both in English and Luganda language.

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